Before you can negotiate with others, you need to be in sync with yourself. This book applies the negotiating principles to yourself.
This is a summary of Getting to yes with yourself
1) Put yourself in your shoes ☑
- Figure out what your elephant REALLY wants (Switch)
- Seek first to understand yourself (7H)
- When you judge yourself, you shutdown and can’t find what you really want
- Acceptance induces safety, and only from safety can you find what you really want
- See yourself form the balcony
- Respond instead of reacting.
- Going to Balcony == Be Mindful, Self Aware and Objective
- Choose your response, but it’s a two sided stick and you get the consequences.
- Feels good, but need to realize there is a VERY negative consequence.
- Negative Reactions: Attack (Win:Lose) -> Accommodate (Lose:Win) -> Avoid (Lose:Lose)
- Use self-awareness to catch your desire to react
- Need to build self-awareness muscle (SIY)
- Practice mindfulness (and have a grounding spot)
- Practice mindfulness before event to make it easier.
- Listen with Empathy
- 80% of thoughts are negative.
- Observe self: Detached view of a scientist.
- Listen to self: What it feels like to be you.
- Listening to self exercise
- Don’t judge, or they will not feel safe, and won’t talk.
- Name your neurosis, and sit them down at a table, and listen to them non-judgementally
- Because “negative emotions are safe to speak” they get less power, and have less desire to attack at “bad” times.
- Don’t just listen, understand the cause, and what you can do to help.
- Be curious, ask yourself, isn’t that interesting. Ask the neurosis, why is that.
- This is an opportunity to learn physical self awareness, to help notice your emotions.
- Huge benefit, your mind is more clear, and you silence the self to concentrate and get into flow.
- Uncover your needs
- Your elephant is non-verbal, negative emotions are it’s mode of communicating your needs.
- Dig hard for your needs, don’t settle for a position, but why, what do you really want. What is done. (XREF: Essentialisim)
- Magic Question Why? Why? Why?
- Deepest needs: Happiness: Protection/Safety and Love/Connection
- From Self Judgment to Self Understanding
- Before fighting with others, need to make sure you TRUELY know what you want.
- Accepting yourself for who you are is NOT a cop out. Acceptance produces safety, which lets us digg deater.
2) Develop your inner BATNA ☑
The ideas in this chapter are great, but I think connecting the concepts to inner BATNA is ackward. Thus my summary doesn’t track well with the books
- A cross between 7H: Be Proactive, AND take responsibility for meeting your own needs.
- When you COMMIT to unconditionally take care of your needs, you have all the power.
- SWITCH: Your elephant can rest assured it will be fed and cared for regardless of what’s going on externally.
- This gives you much more psychic space in your relationships, making them better relationships.
- SIY: Grandmother mind - you are your own best grandma.
- Responsibility holds Power VS blame gives it away.
- Take responsibility for what you’ve got, and make the most of it - DO NOT BLAME Life (welcome to Holland).
- Focus on what you can do to make things better, NOT the fact that you screwed something up in the past.
- In a relationship, focus on what YOU CAN DO going forward in the relationship, not on blaming the other person. Doing this:
- Gives clarity to your needs in the relationships.
- Gives “psychic space” for other party in relationship
- Lets you be objectives about your needs, and your expectations from other party.
- Own your life
- Need self-understanding and self-responsibility
- Just self-understanding => self-pity
- Just self-responsibility => self-blame.
- Self blame => Past looking, I WAS a failure.
- Self responsibility => Forward looking what CAN I do to make this successful?
- (really it’s the next section, where ‘self/life’ is the relationship)
- Need self-understanding and self-responsibility
- Own your relations
- When you point a finger at someone, 3 fingers point back at you.
- All relationships are two ways streets, if there’s a problem, you own a CHUNK.
- Leave the blame territory, and enter the how do we improve this in the future territory.
- Know what you bring to the relationship, and what is negotiable and non-negotiable from the other party
- Great Anecdote on divorce requirements.
- Own your needs
- BATNA, how you satisfy your needs in case you can’t get a WIN/WIN?
- Inner BATNA - know YOU WILL ALWAYS meet your needs, so don’t have to worry.
- Gives you confidence that you don’t need to be desperate.
- From blame to responsibility
- Touching story about author’s dying daughter Gabi, and how hard it was to deal with doctors.
- Two top changes:
- Needed to stop expecting things from doctor’s they could provide for themselves, and let dr’s bring only what they needed to bring, their expertise.
- Needed to stop blaming life for a bum deal, and instead take responsibility for making the most out of what they had.
3) Reframe your picture ☐
Abundance not Scarcity: A rising tide raises all boats Expecations are a self fulling prophecy. Believe the world good or bad, and that’s how you’ll interpret it, and that’s how it will become
- Remember your connection to life
- Make your own happiness
- Appreciate life’s lessons
- From unfriendly to friendly.
4) Stay in the zone ☐
- Learn to let go
- Accept the past
- Trust the future
- Embrace the present
- From resistance to acceptance
5) Respect them even if ☐
- Put yourself in thier shoes
- Expand your circle of respect
- Respect them even if they reject you
- From exclusion to inclusion
6) Give and Recieve ☐
- Give for mutual gain
- Give for pleasure and meaning
- Give what you are here to give
- From Win/Lose to Win/Win/Win
7) The 3 wins ☑
- How do we get what we want, while meeting the needs of others?
- The better we meet our own needs, the better we can meet the needs of others
- We choose to be our own ally or our enemy. and we choose to be the ally or enemy in our relationships.
- A win within
- I will give myself the most trouble today. I stand in the way of my goals.
- Do the practices in this book, to be satisified with yourself
- A win with others
- Every thing you do to get to yes with yourself, makes it easier to get to yes with others
- A win for the whole
- When you succeed with yourself, and with others, then the whole world benefits
- Winning the game of life
- It’s about creating inner satisfaction, which makes your life and relationships better. It’s hard but worth it.